not-photogenic: title of my autobiography: sorry
zeuspiss: im sorry… … i got some bad news… … . drinking tea doesn’t make you anymore intelligent or cultural. i know. take your time.
peevesies: i went down to the middle school today for relay for life and i saw my old social studies teacher i had a crush on (don’t talk to me) and he was like “hey how are you i haven’t seen you in ages?” and the first thing i blurted out was “I JUST TURNED 18” and jesus christ if that’s not the thirstiest thing i’ve said in my whole life
person: i like you
shannananan: mercimonamie: i fell in love with him like ketchup falls out of a bottle: slowly, and then all at once. oh my god you managed to one up john green.
When I find my phone after searching forever
matzoballer: your mama is so fat that - wait she’s not really fat actually she’s kinda hot… hey tell your mom i said hi
advice for coming out of the closet: go to a carnival and get on the scariest ride (preferably a large roller coaster) right before the huge terrifying drop yell heyguesswhatimgay
jimbertimber: coming out to your parents by saying swiggity swag guess whos a fag
gaysexistheanswer: hungarian: someone in class asked me for my tumblr & i took her phone & told her i followed myself on her account but i actually followed gaysexistheanswer thank you
brvdleysoileau: how is “slut” even an insult wtf get that dick grl
peregr1ne: my mom is trying to pick a colour for her new wheelchair and me and my dad are telling her to get black and she’s just like “but how will I know if someone is stealing it” and my dad is just like “because you’ll be sitting on the floor” and she slapped him
(I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)
Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”
Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”
Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”
Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”
(I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)
deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan: castielthebadassangel: thegabbicave: 0ftenhated: savannahfaerie: doctorsaxon: sweetmotherofpie: Imagine a movie like The Avengers But instead of Marvel heroes joining forces It was Disney Princesses “I have an army,” Maleficent taunted. “Yeah?” said Rapunzel, “We have Kuzco.” YOU THREW OFF MY GROOVE “That’s my secret Mulan… I’m always off...
pastalad: pastalad: so this morning my dad said “hey we got some tomatos” and i walk into the kITCHEN AND THE ENTIRE TABLE WAS COMPLETELY COVERED IN TOMATOS LIKE DAD THAT IS NOT SOME TOMATOS THAT IS A FUCKLOAD OF TOMATOS WHRE DID YOU EVEN GET ALL OF THESE TOMATOS JUST IN CASE YOU FUCKERS THOUGH TI WAS JOKING
best-of-funny: nintooner: in PE we had to write assertive responses to pressuring statements when you don’t want to have sex with somebody and I’m sorry X
friendlycloud: hitlervevo: why the fuck cant we text the police lets say there is a murderer in ur house and you’re hiding behind your sofa and you do have your phone with you but you can’t call the police because the murderer might hear you Relevant
ballerinahomicide: trapghoul: the fact that women’s healthcare seems to be a joke among men is sickening. lance armstrong loses a testicle and everyone’s like “oh man must have been so hard for him poor guy losing his manhood LIVESTRONG” and angelina jolie gets the jokes after her mother died from cancer and she’s trying to protect herself???? most accurate post on tumblr
meladoodle: *prosecuting lawyer voice* i have only one question for the defendant… ‘guiltypersonsayswhat?’ “what?” haha owned you’re going to jail
galaxys4: hello students. welcome to my math class. we will be having a class trip this year, the first ever math field trip in history. it’s to hell. here we are
eightdaysafter: hell yeah i want to bang u (over the head with a shovel)
tvspecial: whorville: I could win an Olympic gold medal in being ignored did someone say something
alpha-ian: I’m watching The First Time and I think it’s my new favorite.
deodrant: maybe if i sigh loud enough god will hear me and fix all my problems
[AGGRESSIVELY CARES FOR YOU FROM A DISTANCE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER]
katyissuperwholocked: superwhoavengehobbitpotterlock: You are allowed to drink when you’re 16. You are allowed in clubs when you’re 18. You receive free education. You receive economic support while studying. You enjoy free hospitalization. You’ll be correctly informed by objective news channels.
patrick-stump-hand: pizzaswag: abandoned theme parks look rad as fuck someone go explore one with me you are the first five minutes of supernatural
lameborghini: life hack: be nice to people with a pool at their house
haroldisdumb: the only thing i have left to lose is my virginity